1. We say underwear, just as men do. Women never say panties, and neither should you, except under the rarest of circumstances, and maybe not even then. Likewise, the garment we wear on top is called a bra. When possible, please refrain from making a sound effect like boing! when we remove it.
2. Your virility may be called into question if you identify yourself as a vegan, raw foodist, macrobiotic, or some equivalent. Women tend to see these lifestyle choices as fine for themselves but not quite male enough as far as you are concerned. Sure, we're all for you taking care of yourselves, but we do not want you to regard yourselves as too precious. It is our task in life to get you to try things like couscous, and it is yours to politely decline the offer.
3. The same goes for driving. Women don't like men who drive like women. Not that we drive like women. By women I mean grandmothers.
4. If we are forced into a situation where a male stripper is imploring us to, say, lick whipped cream from his shaved inner thigh or lap tequila from his navel, it will most likely just perplex and embarrass us. We are more likely to become aroused by a female rather than a male stripper. But don't get any big ideas.
5. Not all women are thoroughly sold on the idea of pushing a baby out of a small opening in their bodies. It does not fill all of us with an inexpressible Sense of Purpose on this Earth. It fills us with a slow and steady sense of dread. Nevertheless, it should be noted that, when contemplating our golden years, we do like to imagine plenty of vital progeny gathered at our knee, hanging on our every wizened word and keeping us company after you die, which you will do before us because you are always eating all that crap. You should eat more couscous. (And stop driving like a lunatic.)
6. Thongs are not a girl's best friend. Diamonds are. We're not stupid.
7. Concerning the myth about women preferring men of power to men of attractiveness: once again, entirely true. But power and attractiveness are nebulous terms. Only in the rarest of instances will a young and vibrant woman appear on the arm of an octogenarian millionaire. Similarly, few of us will eschew a respectable-looking gentleman with an honest job who is kind and fun in favor of an unemployed underwear model with nothing to say.
8. The inclusion of the word Lady in front of a product doesn't make us feel better. We don't sleep more soundly knowing we have our own Foot Locker.
9. Most of us respond favorably to even the most diminutive gesture of compassion. You will find that when provoked by, say, a simple card or a kind phone call, our capacity for forgiveness and benevolence could blow your mind. Yes, we are different from you in some ways, but we do possess resilient hearts that long to connect with you on a level that transcends mere gender. But come on, no balloon bouquets. What do you think this is?
10. Women are neither a Ginger nor a Mary Ann, a Mary nor a Rhoda, a Rachel nor a Monica, a Madonna nor a whore, high maintenance nor low maintenance, nor anything else you may have seen on TV, read at a bookstore counter, or heard Billy Crystal say. We are all and/or none of these things, plus ten thousand other things that are constantly transmogrifying into more confusing things. One concept or phrase cannot begin to contain us. We do not stand united on any one principle, except perhaps this: We all love flowers, ponies, puppies, kitties, and rainbows. That is absolutely 100 percent true.
11. Women are the new men, and Elizabeth Hurley is their patron saint. At or around the age of twenty-five, the gender roles to which we've grown so woozily accustomed throughout puberty and young adulthood suddenly reverse themselves. Women become emotionally detached, while men become needy. Women desire to spend more time alone, while men become needy. Women like to ogle construction workers, order the wine at restaurants when dining à deux, and go on rafting trips with their friends, while men become ... Elizabeth Hurley is the patron saint of this gender reversal, because she remains gorgeous and saucy while looking uncannily like a man in drag.
12. Women hate it when men buy them lingerie. Although the surprise offering of a nifty underwear ensemble is perceived as an unfailing way to spruce up the sex life, there's actually nothing so effective as a lace teddy to cast a burdened pall over the entire sexual enterprise. Because what does a woman see when she opens a box of sleek, frothy naughtiness? She does not see a boyfriend who is an able, considerate provider of thrills and excitement. She sees a direct critique of the cotton Jockeys she so prefers, she sees a castigation of her interpretation of femininity, she sees the subtle implication that she is not giving it up enough. The result is the immediate decline of any and all sexual contact, the use of the damning yet costly garment as a car buffer, and a resolute recommitment to the cotton Jockeys.
13. Women hate it when men allow them to win at things they are profoundly bad at, like Ping-Pong. While letting a woman win may seem an innocently chivalrous impulse, it is, in fact, terribly patronizing. A man may find a paddle whizzing past his sideburns should he ever throw a game on purpose to a woman who sucks at Ping-Pong. Women, if they suck at Ping-Pong, know they suck, are fine with that fact, and do not need their egos catered to. However, should you beat a woman so repeatedly that she starts to blubber, well, maybe toss a game or two her way.
14. Women like a man who can make a mean pie crust. What could be more fetching than a man with butter on his chin and flour on his shoe? More to the point, pie dough is an ornery, unforgiving substance that must be massaged, beseeched, cajoled even, if it is to ever realize itself as a pie. A man who can turn out a good crust is a man who knows the value of patience, hard work, and the tactile joys of the home.
15. All women are secretly lesbians. Although this assertion might at first seem to contradict assertion number 1, it in fact does not. Women are the new men, thus all men are secretly lesbians. But of course.
16. Women find men on a diet dull and emasculated. Women feel for your arduous task of bridling that yawning paunch, they do, but a dieting man is a tiresome man. Women, because they've been hawkeyeing their weight since they were seven, have figured out how to be both hedonistic and fit, and they can't imagine why men haven't managed the same. They feel grossly superior to a grown man who eats salad without dressing, skinless chicken, Egg Beaters. Of course, they also look down on him for bursting out of his work trousers. This is a mean contradiction that women unapologetically embody.
17. Women love to engage in careful analyses of the sex you had with your former girlfriend. This is true. Women can't get enough of your former girlfriend, and visuals are always a plus -- a spreadsheet, for example, or that winsome fourth-grade school snap of your ex you still keep in your wallet. Women want to know about your ex's sexual inclinations, how often you had sex, where you had sex, what kind of sex it was, how you liked it, how she liked it, and in which precise ways the sex you're currently having is better, worse, the same. It is perfectly safe to disclose any and all personal details. Women are very curious, tolerant creatures.
18. Women like to watch football at a sports bar, not at home. Women prefer to watch football with a patty melt and a beer, and with a man who is wearing his pants.
19. Women like to imagine what it would be like to sleep with your father. Not because they want to sleep with your father per se, but because a woman figures if she can imagine herself sleeping with your father, then she can imagine herself sleeping with you when you're sixty.
20. Women prefer to be scared witless when you propose to them. Should you reach this phase of the relationship, cancel that reservation at the fancy restaurant; in fact, while we're on the topic, never propose to a woman in a restaurant. Most women have worked in restaurants and know the sort of commentary that will definitely accompany your romantic moment as the waiters spy on you from behind the coffee machine. (Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't... Aaaargh!) Best to take a woman hiking and get yourselves hopelessly lost. Best to pretend you've broken your leg or that you have systemic septic poisoning. Best to pretend to die. When she tries to give you mouth-to-mouth, slip her the old tongue, on which there should be, if you've planned it right and haven't swallowed it, a ring. Voilà ! She'll be your Hurley forever.
Things Men should know...From famous Woman:
13. Leslie Mann
"We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn't an invitation to grind your boners into our asses — we're looking more for rhythm, ingenuity, and joie de vivre."
"If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can't say it in bed."
"How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux."
"Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from 'Sorry about the smell' to 'I'm going to love you forever, m'lady.'"
"If you won't hold our hands in public, we won't blow you in private."
2 comments:
I love your 'women are the new men' statement. I have to agree that the older I get, the more space I want, and the less I seem to be able to get because the less space he needs. Funny how that works.
It's cause we spend so much dam time training them that by the time they get what we need we have given up! lol
Post a Comment