It's ten pm. I'm tired but not restless. You're not here. Which is fine but I keep wanting to cry. And I think that you know that I hate to cry alone. And I wonder if I hate you.
Memories of that summer come to me and I can't fight them off. All of a sudden they are uncorked, fresh and raw and I hate you for all the hurt. Again. And I know you would look at me as though I just kicked a puppy if you heard me say this. And you would say that it's not fair to you for me to feel this way. And you're probly right. But that doesn't make me stop hating you. It never makes the tears stop. And I wonder if there is anything you can do to make up for it. But if there is I haven't figured it out. Not in this whole year and a half. And I know more than ever before that I'm broken. That you and I are broken. And I'm so sick of sweeping the pieces up off the floor and setting them back on the table and ignoring them. Hoping that they will just fix them self on their own some day.
Neither one of us is what the other needs. That's what you said. That's how I feel. But I know I have tried to be what you need. Can you honestly stay the same? Maybe you think you can. But I can honestly say that I am wasting more of my time. And I hate your for it. I hate you for making me feel stuck. I hate you for hurting me over and over. I hate you for the lies. I hate you for a thousand little reason that I used to love you for. And that makes me hate you even more. I pity you. And I even hate you for that.
I wish you could be the man I thought you would be. And I think about how maybe you will become him once I'm gone, and what a bitch that will be. But so far the older you get the less I want to know you.
I miss who I thought you were.
And I hate you for that.
But mainly I hate you for being one more person who knows how to make me cry. You were supposed to be my fortress against them. Not join forces.
And here I am. It's 10:40 pm and I'm still crying. I'm sobbing so hard I can't see the screen. And I wish you were here because I always feel so unloved crying alone. And because I want to hit you. I want to hit you until you break and stop making me feel worthless. And stop making me cry.
And I'm pretty sure I'm falling in hate with you. And I hate you for that.