Miss' Boudoir

Showing posts with label me. update. Show all posts

To love Me—madly, truly, deeply—takes one hell of a determined heart, for I am as wild as they come.

In my commitment to ever-evolving and ever-transforming my self and this world we live in, I will push and pull— because I understand that any life worth living well must be built on a solid foundation of truth and so to love Me, the beating in your chest must be strong and you must know how to root down and stand your ground.

My ways, which I learn as I go, will shake the dust until everything that does not belong falls away—and at times, this might mean I push you away, too.

As fierce as I am, hidden in my heart of hearts is a too-big doubt that I can be loved completely and so be prepared for me to bare my teeth if you get too close to the place where I hide my fear; this is both a test of your intention and a way to keep my sacred heart safe, for to love Me, you must love all of my heart and the most-vulnerable parts you must love most of all.

There will be moments when the need to race through the sea (or around the world) takes over and I will bolt, with no explanation (I will try to my best to tell you why, but how I live is through feeling and even though words are a part of my craft, in these instances, my wildness can find none); and so I will go, soaking life in through all of my senses as I must do in order to understand how life works—and when you find yourself feeling forgotten, my heart will beg you to be patient, for I will return to you as soon as I can, panting and heart pounding, full of all I have learned.

(I am loyal and I understand that before I can show up for the one I loves, I must first learn how to show up for myself and it is through this strengthening of will and compassion that I ask you to invest your trust in me; for while my heart holds love for all beings, the kind I have for you will move mountains and light all the stars in the sky.)

I need this freedom to feed my creativity and I will look at you with my knowing eyes to see if you see it all, for because I am who I am, I will want you to be who you are, too—nothing more, nothing less.

I know the unsaid things, because I feel them—the ones we hold onto as our mouths move and the opposite words fall from our lips, instead; I will often get alarmingly still and this is because I need to in order to hear it all. In the hush, I will gather my information and file it away, for if I am anything I am organized and everything has a place (and there is even a place for things-that-don’t-have-a-place).

To love Me, understand that my space must be in order before I can do anything; my mind is the largest of libraries, and there is always work and learning to be done. Before I can settle my attention on you fully, everything must be in place and then I will curl up, serene and surrounded by the serenity of my heartbeat, and if the day is slow and the moon just right, I will wait for you to crack your chest open and show me your raw, beating heart.

(The idea of this might make you recoil, but please know that I have been making it my practice to spill open—and so while I don't expect you to make it yours too, there is a certain kind of give and take that offers balance to every union. So, from time-to-time, honor me—and more importantly, you. Show me that thing about you that you’ve taught yourself to hide away, for I can promise you that I will not shy away and I know in every stitch of my bones how to love like the ocean.)

I will transform what I have learned in these moments of deep listening into wisdom, and as I get older, I will learn how to rule myself accordingly. It is likely that on my path, this one that has no footsteps to follow; the one I designed for myself back before the start of time, that I will fail many, many times. I will be uncomfortable in my impatience and when you stop by for a visit one night, you may well find me in pieces on the kitchen floor, my body not able to lie or to hold it all in, tears and snot running down my face—and here is when you will witness the strength that vulnerability brings.

(I have shown you everything in this moment. I will stay there, and ask you to stay with me, until it is time to pick myself up, again. Your presence will fill my heart with gratitude, and I may even slide my hand into yours, or lay my head on your shoulder, and let out a sigh—I am shy when it comes to this sort of thing—accepting the support I so desperately crave and fear, so let it unfold, slowly and carefully.)

I will yearn not for a castle on a hilltop, but for a cabin in the woods, so that I can sit by the river that runs through the land and listen to the lessons the four directions has to share. I will bow down and touch my forehead to the ground often, in an act of reverence, gratitude and prayer—and I will understand that the breeze that whistles through treetops carries with it messages meant just for me.

I will need just-enough to sustain a simple life, for I know that richness lies in the slow, humble moments of laughter and figuring it out, together. I will feel like royalty if you return from a walk in the woods with a handful of wild flowers and if you take me on a date to gaze at the stars, I will devote my heart to you, and you alone.

I play battle with my ego and with the years marking themselves on my body as time often does, I have learned how to tango with the righteous voice that can sometimes fight to be heard.

I am prideful—yes—let not that pride be mistaken for anything other than the highest form of integrity; I will prefer quiet nights in to loud nights out and I will be happiest curled up with a book, for within the pages lies where my life began.

I am stubborn—but I am kind and my compassion reaches to the far corners of the earth. In my heart, I hold it all; the joy and the sorrow, the laughter and the tears. As much as I want you to wrap your arms around me and be held, I also need moments to hold myself, for I feel so deeply at times I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse.

So to love Me, you must first love yourself; let the space in your togetherness be like the sea and in my rhythm, you will learn the meaning of a heart roar.

I can't stop crying. For the fourth day in a row. And it doesn't help that Seth left this morning for work and won't be home until Tomorrow. It also doesn't help that I have been getting about 3 cysts a day for the last week, that I have an excrutiating UTI that won't go away, and that I have been getting large, painful knots in my legs everytime I have to walk my two miles to go pick up Caden from school.
Since Seth is gone that means that I get to wake up early tomorrow to walk Caden to school. Then walk home. Then walk to pick him up!!!
I was supposed to have a project...FINALLY PAINTING THE LIVING ROOM!!!

But Seth got the wrong color paint.

The green in the blanket is the color I wanted.

That neon crap on the walls is what he got.

So now I have a neon splotch on my wall to look at.

And I think I have ovarian cancer.

I AM JUST A WRECK!!!!

Ok so you all know that this is PCOS Awareness month as well as Ovarian Cancer awareness month.

I have PCOS and I was told last year that the Cancer Cells are forming.

Well...The last 3 months my body has been weirder than usual.

You've heard me talk about my ulcers. The pain from them gets so bad that I have passed out from it before. Once when I was home alone with Caden.

I have also had a lot of Tummy swelling and bloating. I thought it was the PCOS or maybe too much dairy. But this has been more than normal.

I noticed too that I have to pee more. A LOT MORE!

Before my shower. When I get out of the shower. After I brush my teeth. When I get into bed. Right when I start to fall asleep....And that's just a half hour period!

I thought it was cause I was just drinking more water and my body would get used to it. But it hasn't.

Sometimes my tummy gets tender and hurts to touch.

When I gave up coffee I knew that would make it harder for things to make it's way out...if you know what I mean....(Sorry I don't discuss bathroom issues.) Anywho...We'll just say that things stay put more often then ever before.

I have noticed I rarely eat. I thought it was cause I was eating granola for breakfast, or because I was snacking on saltines more. But it's getting to the point where I pretty much only eat at dinner, and then I think I'm starving but I get full after a few bites.

I have been fast walking/jogging two miles a day or more since Caden started school,

almost a month ago.

But I haven't lost a pound.

In fact, my tummy seems like it's getting bigger. And I have gained weight!

Even though I am eating healthy and working out every day!
Another weird thing is that the last 2 months I have been DEAD TIRED.

I have fallen asleep walking home with Caden.

WALKING!!

I come home, I lay down for a few hours. Sleep all night.

Still fall asleep the next day while doing something.

Every single one of those is a sign of Ovarian Cancer.

I HAVE EVERY DAM SYMPTOM OF OVARIAN CANCER!!!

I just happened accross it yesterday while doing some research for PCOS Awareness month.

Now I admit...I am bad about self diagnosing, and I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

But I started working in Hospitals when I was 15. I have an Uncle who is a surgeon and an Aunt who is a Nurse. Medicine runs in my family, and I have never self diagnosed wrong.

So I am freaking the hell out!!!

I don't want to hear anyone tell me to calm down, that I shouldn't freak out until I see the doctor, or any other sort of crap ya'll are thinkin of saying right now!

I am 25. I have a horrible disease. And I am already guaranteed having OC in my life. My Mother has had it. I have an aunt who has had it. And 2 Grandmothers.

So I am freaking out!

I can't stop crying.

And no one is hear.

Just me and Caden.

And I am really freaking the hell out!