Friday, December 30, 2011

How I got my crown.


After much thought and  drinking  planning, I decided it was time to ask the Queen if I can be made a Princess. But she super wigged out on me so I did the next best thing and sucked up to Auntie Dutch!! I was still made to put it in writing as part of a formality however. (The Queen must have thought that no one would stay sober long enough to write a petition, but she hired me for my brains not my beer chugging abilities.) And before you could shake your ass twice I was declared a Royal and family!!

Now since I was not born into the Royal family PWT made me sign a petition stating that I would steer clear of her Beer Tab crown....

 I am pretty sure the hooker made me sign away my left boob with it.
But I decided then and there that I needed my own crown. I asked the Queen about it and she told me she wasn't gonna piss money away on something I could get at the dollar store, when it would probly just get swallowed by a gator in the first place. I tried to explain that we could insure it in case something happened, but  she got a phone call from PWT that sent her running and screaming out the door. Something about handicapped fish sticks and red rum... Sounded down right delish to me! So maybe that's why she flew out the door like her ass was on fire. Or maybe it's some sex position I am not familiar with... Either way I still wanted my dam crown.

The next day I was surprised with a party in my honor at the castle!
Auntie Dutch had even had the hookers make me a dress!!

What did you expect.... we spend all of our money on gin!! But I did hear that the Bartender broke into the Queen's personal stash of TP for the special occasion.

(She always has the good stuff!!)

The Lovely Dame rented me my own personal limo to parade around the Queendom in:

Even though the focus was on me, and me wanting a crown, we still managed to have fun and play games:
(It's similar to a game we played in High school called "Sex Ed")

The Bartender entertained us with some of the tricks of her trade:

I have to admit... Even without a crown I was feeling very Royal when the Queen broke out the Royal glassware to toast in my honor:

I even got a few gifts:

But I still wanted a crown. So the Queen sent all the drunkards out to find me one... And this is what I got from Dazee

She is pretty crafty with that knife. I can't lie.

And one of the John's brought me a throne:

But I am pretty certain the Queen is gonna steal that from me.

Finally our Royal Sister Wife told me that I needed to find my own dam crown and that it needed to be unique to me. 
Well I am the Princess VET......

So my crown is a peacock!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It all started with a t-shirt.

I hope you've all been keeping up with the other Royals and our exploits out on the high seas.
The Dutchess thought she was playing in a Scavenger Hunt and really she just picked up my shopping list. You have to watch these broads... they steal your crap!!
PWT stopped being a legal genius long enough to catch a heli out to the ship, and then we caught her texting on her cell phone, rambling on and on about auto-correct, dead hookers... and I am pretty sure a few racial slurs. She started to cry cerebral-rape when we grabbed her phone and threw it over board. But the Queen put a bottle in her hand and she calmed down. So much for leaving the spoiled princesses on the mainland!!
In case you are not aware, the Royal bartender and I won a contest of sorts... We still haven't received our prizes yet. Which really isn't that surprising since the Queen jips us on our W-2's already, cheap twat.
The Royal Sister Wife decided to take over the Captain's position, because she felt that having the sluttiest captain's costume made it so. And of course no one was sober enough to ask her for a drivers license or learners permit or green card, so we ended up out in the middle of nowhere.... Which is how this story begins...

Being lost on the ocean isn't so bad... unless you have a bunch of drunk/high old woman. The Queen assumed that since she can "Witch Water" she can navigate by the stars... Which consisted of us mainly sailing in circles trying to catch the brightest stars. It wasn't until morning came and the Dutchess saw my tshirt, that all hell broke loose. I should known better....

^^^That was my t-shirt^^^
Yup, you guessed it. The Dutchess said it was a sign from Willy to go home... to whore island. I really should have stopped her... but we spent all night in circles chasing stars and trying to figure out why Dutch was throwing crap into her big purse, that I thought "What's the worst that could happen?"

Dutchess piloted the boat.

I'm pretty sure she has no sense of direction in the rare times that she is sober...
However she did find Whore Island.

Shocking??? Yes and no. 
Anywho once we arrived the Queen decreed that we start up a local campaign to raise booze money  to show we come in peace.

It went over quite well with the locals.
They even painted my portrait as a going away gift

As with all good things, what happens on whore island-stays on whore island.
I can tell you that after the night we had, it caused the Chief of the Whore Island Hookers to erect some signs up around the zoo:

We had a lot of fun, helped a lot of hookers, and I even came home with a zebra for my collection!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Take a bite.

Take a bite out of my heart,
you dirty little beast you.
Why  not?
I can always be spread thinner.
I'm already in pieces as it is.
Time to put me back together now,
but you don't know how.
I'm just your favorite toy for a moment.
You always walk away.
I'm looking for a fight, 
and you don't care.
I'm left to sit alone,
staring into the mirror and wondering what
everyone else sees.
Take another bite of my heart love,
let the sensations fill you up.
I'm so relieved someone can enjoy themselves.
I told myself, and everyone else, 
that you were the only exception.
You always loved to prove me wrong.
Too worn out to put my high heels back on,
and not restless enough to want to leave my bed.
Hiding beneath my blankets and sheets,
I thought I was free.
Silly me.
Take another bite, get drunk on my emotions,
just until you feel that you've done your duty
and have been given all you can get from me at this time.
It's not being used that makes my heart break,
it's being used to it.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Royal Cruise.... Epic Fail

Apparently it's time for the Royal Family to hold a Royal reunion. After our cousins hosted that gaudy wedding across the pond, The Queen decided it was best for us to be simple this year and go on a cruise.

Well... You know how the Queen gets when a man in cowboy boots shows her something shiny...I hear it has a pool for the gators so my presence is requested.
Anywho... I am not against cruises... I just know that on  land we can always find a liquor store. Plus I am not even sure half of those wenches can swim....
And I know that at some point the Queen will drunkenly attempt to "Drink the Ocean to find the worm".

My understanding is that everyone is coming! Even the Dame is out of retirement. Well I should say everyone except the Princess formerly known as CB. Apparently this happened the last time her and her ego got on a boat...

All in all I think it will be something to write home about. Keep an eye out for the other Royals... We like to tell stories on each other!