Tonight I watched a really sad movie. (Not my intent... I thought it was supposed to be heart warming)
A husband and wife had drifted a part.... They found more reasons to hate and distrust each other than being in love. Eventually she killed herself and he was left to realize what he lost. I kept thinking...
"Why didn't they just get divorced?"
Because neither one of them could stand to live without the other one, even though living together meant they were miserable.
And it made me wonder... What's worse... Death or Divorce?
Granted, I have never lost a spouse to death, but I have lost important people to death.
I know that stabbing, almost physical pain that comes. Knowing you will never see that person again, or hear their voice, or share anything with them again.
But I also know how that pain fades.
......I feel like I don't know how to write the rest of this without seeming insensitive.
Well I think you all know where I am going with this. Maybe the pain fades over time because that person isn't in front of you and just out of reach every single day.
Instead of having to let go and disconnect from someone who is physically gone and never coming back, I have to try to separate myself from someone who is right in front of me every single day. And I am not getting over losing someone who was lost to all of us unexpectedly... I have lost someone simply because they no longer wanted to be married to me. And I am in this loss alone. I honestly don't know how to do it.
I know, they all say the pain will fade. That at some point I will look back at this time and see how far I've come and what I have survived... But right now it doesn't feel that way. Right now it just feels raw and in my face daily.
I guess the only thing that is left to be said tonight is that I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I truly do want to see myself out of all of this pain and sadness and into something very happy.