Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Royal Vet: Gun Shopping, Google Bras and the search for a body guard!

So as you all know I have been looking for a body guard. 
I do need one.
The Gator's are really our first line of defense. 
Wanna take out a gator?
Take out their personal vet!
So I decided I should start carrying a gun.
Plus guns are cool. 
I have been shooting since I was 9 and I rarely miss.
So why not?
Plus I could get something cute.......
And really, a cute gun is what I would need.
Because more than likely I will shoot someone. (Again)
And I need the judge to look at the cute little blonde girl, and see her cute little, possibly pink, gun and then look at the dumb schmeckle she shot and tell him to man up, he got shot by a girl with a possibly pink gun, he should run and hide in shame, not sue her.
Ahem... It could happen.
Don't make me shoot someone just to prove it to you.
I have this perfect image in my head of me in an evening gown pulling my adorable little gun out of a clutch and looking like a real BAMF. But since I never get to dress up... I need a holster.
And of course only a bra holster will do.
So I decided to Google image it and see what I found.
Which I of course now have to share with you!

First up is The Bacon Bra. I am assuming it's inspired by Lady GaGa.
How this comes up when I am looking for a bra holster I can't even begin to fathom.
But there it is. My first thought is that she put all that effort into the bra, but couldn't be bothered to properly groom her underarms.

 Secondly we have the Boar's head bra.
Ok seriously... WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?
If your husband brings it home you eat it NOT WEAR IT!
Especially not on your tatters. 
Any man who thinks that's hot needs to be stuffed and mounted.
And not in a good way.

Thirdly is the BACK BRA NEEDED.
How this makes the Bra Holster search I can't figure out.
 I have left the house in my PJ's, no makeup and hair in a pony tail to go to Walmart. 
I admit it.
HOWEVER.... Well there just aren't words... Because I would never go out in anything remotely close to that.

Now we can't forget that crab bra.
Honestly... It does look a little bad ass. 
Wonder if it comes in a DD?

The real life bra.
 Ok really now... What is the point of this?
I'll just go without a bra if you're gonna see it all anyways!!
Plus I think my boobs are hotter than those ones.

The Hand Bra.
 Now I actually think this is a pretty good idea.
My boobs always look great when I hold them up! 
So Victoria... Get your rear in gear on that one!

The Tattoo Bra.
 The first thought that came to mind was 
Man she has some Itty Bitty Titties.
I'd probly tattoo mine if they were non existent too.
Gotta have something to look at right?
Where in hades are her nipples!?!

The Terminator Bra.
It's another take on the Hand Bra... But I think it might be bullet proof.
Which might mean gator proof too!
So if it has a gun holster, I'll take it!

At some point I was afraid of blindness from google bra images..... So I moved back to guns.
 I really want NEED a lady's revolver. 
Which got me this picture:

The turquoise and Cheetah print Gun is F-ing amaze-balls!
It's not real though.
Apparently it's to make us feel safe, while not giving us any safety.
But I kinda think it holds booze so it's all good in my book.
Along with the blinged out grenade.

This Revolver is gorgeous. 

 And I do think it would be quite happy snuggled up under my boobs.

Now this... Well This is just pretty!
 It's also a blow dryer.
No... I am not kidding.

I did finally find a very pretty little Pistol that I think would look great on me...
It's a 40 caliber, medium frame Taurus. It's small, it's light, it has a gold finish with mother of pearl grips,
and it's also 700 bucks.
So I am pretty sure Seth will tell me to buy pepper spray.
And The Queen doesn't have enough underwear to auction off to pay for that.
So the search for my body guard continues!
Want to be my bodyguard?
Get the details here:

Their Toys Review (Adult Content)

Their Toys contacted me asking if I would do a review for them.
I was a little unsure, after all, this is not where I discuss my sex life. 
However Brittany told me they wanted me to do a review on a lubricant they sell called PINK!
Well.... How could I not?

A little bit on THEIR TOYS and their commitment to you:
We know you have a lot of choices when it comes to purchasing adult toys online, so we're making it our mission to offer better customer service than anyone out there. We're also committed to offering you a catalog of products that are superior in quality and price than you're likely to find elsewhere. We have painstakingly written in-depth product descriptions, and hand picked toys we believe our customers will love. There are literally tens of thousands of adult toys on the market - many of which are made with unsafe ingredients. The last thing you want is to purchase a dildo, rabbit or other popular sex toy which is not body safe. Our commitment to you is to offer you the best prices on the best adult toys available. We will always be discreet in our billing and shipping, and will never share your information. Enjoy your shopping experience and let us know if we can help you in your purchase!

If you are looking for Specialty Lubes, or  Adult Toys or even Lubes and Condoms, they have what you're looking for!

Hot Pink Water Based Warming Lubricant is a non-drying formula that will heat any skin it comes in contact with, increasing sensitivity. Great for sensual massage that turns into more, and great for all body types, this warming lubricant for women will create warm sensations that do not irritate either partner and this lube is safe for all sex toys and adult accessories. Hot Pink Water Based Warming Lubricant is glycerin free and contains no pigment, so it does not stain fabrics and it is also fortified with Aloe Vera. 
Hot Pink Water Based Warming Lubricant is formulated to the same high quality specifications as all of the Pink line of lubricants so it is condom-safe and highly concentrated, yet non-greasy and easy to wash off. 

My Thoughts:
I am not really a lubricant type of person. I really never need it, and I have tried a few that warm up, but wasn't happy with them at all. I hate how most of them feel really sticky, or it dries out quickly, or the warming sensation is too tingly, or it leaves a very oily after feeling when I am trying to clean up.

However Hot Pink isn't like that at all!
It's not oily or greasy. It heats up right away without a menthol tingly-ness, which makes it perfect to use as a massage oil. The pump head helps you to add just the right amount of wetness without making you feel like a pond, however the lubrication lasts. And clean up is still just as easy. It has no scent or taste, so you don't have to worry about that sticky feeling that most warming lubricants have.
It's also hypoallergenic, so if you have found yourself allergic to most warming lubes I highly recommend you try HOT PINK-From Their Toys.

Lunarra Star Review

LunarraStar Jewellery is professionally handcrafted with care and attention to detail to produce unique, quality jewellery design. A treasure chest of trinkets inspired by whimsical Fairytales like Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz & Snow White, adventurous historical tales, unusual curious charms and glittery magical things. All jewelery has customisable options to ensure a perfect fit and is presented beautifully gift wrapped.

When I was picked to do a review for Lunarra Star I was so excited but I couldn't figure out what to pick!
Dorothy's Ruby Red Slippers?

Or how about Black Beard's lost Treasure?

Or how about a Victorian Birdcage?

I finally decided on Tea Time!

This necklace came in the sweetest little box and sparkles fell from it as I took it out!
(The experience was stunning!)
I pretty much never take it off!
 The detail is exquisite!
I can't wait to buy the ring to go with it!

If you love to have a unique piece of Jewelry that you can wear with anything, you must visit Lunarra Star.
Everything they have is so whimsical and fun and will give you a wonderful sense of nostalgia. 
Whenever I look at my little tea cup I remember my dad reading Alice in Wonderland to my sister and I.
I think that's what makes pieces like Lunarra Star's so special.
Each one takes you back to a good childhood memory, but each piece is sophisticated for an adult to wear.
You can also find Lunarra Star on FaceBook!

MissMalaprop Review.

My Dream has been to create a shop where I can share all of my amazing handmade finds with you.  Here you'll find unique handcrafted and eco-friendly gifts for yourself, your friends, your home and everyone in between!

U.S. Orders = $5.25 Flat Rate + FREE SHIPPING on orders over $50!

About Miss Malaprop
Miss Malaprop is your source for unique, handmade and eco-friendly products that you can feel good about buying. 
I have loved art, crafts and making things for as long as I can remember. I began documenting my love of all things handmade in 2006 with my blog. My dream from the start has been to create a shop where I can share all of my amazing handmade finds with you. Here you’ll find handmade and eco-friendly goods for yourself, your friends, your home and more!

My goal is to be a conscious consumer. Wherever possible when I buy something, I want to know where it came from, who made it, how it was made, and what it is made from. In my shop, I want to share this information with you, so that you can make informed shopping decisions. If you don’t see your questions answered here, please feel free to get in touch with me, and I will try my best to find the answers you seek!
Miss Malaprop is currently a one woman operation, so please be patient. I work hard to keep my customers happy, so please let me know if there is any way I can serve you better!
- Mallory

Mallory sent me the 

to review.

This pink roller skate scarf is an original design by art by mags! 
New Orleans-based urban folk artist Margaret Coble created this original stencil design of a roller skate. Great for your favorite roller derby gal or roller skating fiend (or you!). Makes a great, unique gift. The design is silkscreened by hand using white eco-friendly water-based ink on a hand-cut pink bamboo-cotton jersey knit scarf. 

These scarves are hand-cut from a super soft bamboo-cotton jersey material that is lightweight and perfect for wearing during the spring and fall. These scarves are also great for the winter months in warmer climates like New Orleans. I wore my art by mags! scarf all winter long - I'm not much of a scarf person but I love these!
Size: approximately 14" x 72" OR 35.6 cm x 182.9 cm
Care instructions:
 machine washable, cold water recommended. The edges of this hand-cut scarf are left raw, but the jersey material shouldn't fray much.
About the artist: artbymags! is the business name of New Orleans art-and-craftivist Margaret Coble. Merging folk, pop, graphic, and street art influences, she is all about DIY printmaking using recycled materials like vinyl records, thrift store clothing, and other found objects to create one of a kind, handmade gifts. Clocks, signs, mixed media constructions, clothing, accessories and more!
Aside from her art-and-crafting pursuits, Mags is a music journalist, roller derby groupie, and retired club DJ. She is also a member of the New Orleans Craft Mafia.

My Thoughts:
I'm in love!
 Seriously. This is my fashion statement. If I leave the house I have it on!
It's so soft!
I love scarves but I hate how itchy they can get behind my neck, making my hair all frizzy. This feels like my favorite tshirt. But it's still warm! And it goes will with everything.
I wear it every day to school and I always get compliments on it.

Miss Malaprop is a BEAUTIFUL little site. 
You need to check her out and find something for yourself. 
Mallory has a customer for life in me!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Mommy Issues.

I remember when I was a little girl,
My mother was amazing.
She was so pretty, and so smart, and she did everything to take care of me and my 3 younger siblings.
Our life wasn't easy by any means, but I remember a lot of happiness.
Don't get me wrong.... My mom was scary too.
I was the oldest.
A child she didn't want, and tried to abort.
But she expected a lot from me, and I worked hard to make her happy.
She wished I was more into horses and less into dolls. 
But I tried to do both.
I loved frilly dresses and pink bows, and climbing trees and sneakers.
And at some point in my life, somewhere around 11, my mom became my best friend. 
We watched "Dawson's Creek" together every Wednesday night.
She bought me all of the Animorphs books, and we took turns reading the series. 
And I kept the house cleaned, cooked dinner, and took care of the kids.
When I was an older teen, her husband at the time was abusive. And she wanted to leave him.
But she took a long time to do it.
She wanted to do it on her terms and I didn't know why.
All I knew was he was hurting me the most, and I was breaking.
She told me once that no one would make her give up her horses again, and I realized that's why it was taking her so dam long to leave him. She didn't want to give up her horses.
One day I couldn't take it anymore and I left home. 
16 and I left and moved back to California, from Arkansas.
And I made my life here.
But through all of it, I never hated my mom. 
I thought she would be happy I at least saved myself.
I thought at some point she would realize that I could have turned to drugs, booze, or whoring, but didn't. And would have been proud of me.
She never was.
I did get mad and hurt when years went by and I realized when I was being used by her, or had been lied to by her. When I realized she left my dad, who was a great man, to marry an abuser. 
But I still didn't hate her.
I was hurt when she got married again and didn't even tell me or send me pictures and I found out months after the fact from a family friend.
But I didn't hate her.
Despite everything I listened to my Mother in Law and had my mom with me when my son was born.
She held my hand and encouraged me to push when I wanted to give up.
And she was the second person to hold Caden, right after Seth.
And after he was born and she went home and we got into our routine of going months at a time without talking, and I heard she was telling people that Seth beat me and hated Caden, I was angry and I didn't understand.
But I still didn't hate her.
And 3 years ago when Seth and I split up and I went to stay with her for a few months, and all she wanted me to do was file for divorce and take away his custody of Caden, and she screamed at me when we got back together, and she accused us of stealing from her and kicked us out while giving us the number to a homeless shelter...I was SO mad. And SO hurt. 
But I still didn't hate her.
I knew I just didn't understand her.
And when I called her 2 years ago,
and I was crying and I told her I had cancer cells growing in my ovaries. 
And I told her I was scared.
And she told me I could only get that from a cheating husband...
I wanted to smack her for being so cruel and stupid.
But I loved my mom.
And over the last 2 years,
When she has refused to talk to me.
Won't talk to her only grandchild,
Wouldn't even make the effort to come see Caden and I when I was an hour from her.
Doesn't even want a copy of his school photo.
Won't answer phone calls, voice mails, texts or emails.....
Now I am starting to hate her.
And I think back to when I was 16 and on my own and I realize she was my mom.
She should have done everything to at least  let me know she loved me.
But she hasn't done that at all in the last 9 years. 
Not once.
She doesn't text me on my birthday, send me anniversary cards, call to talk to Caden.
She is my mom.
And it's ingrained in me to love her.
But I am starting to hate her.

I hate her for never growing the hell up.
I hate her for always being a spiteful bitch.
I hate her for never being able to admit when she was wrong.
I hate her for blaming us kids, for her never being able to do or be what she wanted.
I hate her for always putting her horses over us kids.
I hate her for leaving my dad, purely cause she thought she could do better with someone else.
I hate her for never being their for me when I need her.
For never being the person I could call for love or support or advice.
I hate her for loving my sister more than me when I left home.
I hate her for thinking I am such a disappointment to her.
I hate her for causing so much drama.
I hate her for hurting so many other people, not just me.
I hate her for always pitting my sister and I against each others as though we were constantly battling to see who was better.
I hate her for never telling me I was pretty, or smart, or responsible or any nice thing.
I hate her for never making an effort for me.
I hate her for all of the mean things she has said and done to Seth.
I hate her for never giving him a chance.
I hate her for thinking it's ok to cut us out of her life.

You're such an inspiration
For the ways that I will
Never, ever choose to be.

I know I'm better off.
It doesn't make this hurt any less.
I hope her stupid poodles bring her everything that she is losing out on.

Ya know.... For a girl who grew up without a daddy,
It's odd to realize that I have Mommy issues.