Saturday, November 27, 2010

Royal's Road Trip- CALIFORNIA!!!

Sorry I haven't been keeping you all as updated as I had hoped. Since it's hard to take all the animals with us on the road, and this is my first week of college, the Queen let me off the hook some.
To  make up for it I will tell you all about the highlight of the trip!!!
Me showing the Royals around California!

The Bratt brought the family along:
They have been awesome for cooking and cleaning up after us!!

Dutchess had a name changing crisis during a particularly potent smoke and decided to go all out and get the full California make over. You can view the before and  after pictures below:
The Queen said the boobs are a tax write off.

The Queen really wanted to see some celebrities and got more than what she bargained for:

Of course when you are celebrity watching you are bound to see some botched plastic surgery jobs,

which scared the silicone out of the Dutchess. So we had to take her back and get it all undone.
The girls would not leave me alone about meeting the Governator. (I might have name dropped in my royal vet resume) Thankfully they were particularly toasted one day and this tranny was nice enough to help me out!
Now I am sure you have all heard about Dear Willie going back to jail..... Well I am not EXACTLY sure on the details...And due to my gag order by the queen I am not allowed to say much... All I can allude to is Dutchess in California, Willie arrested for pot... Coincidence....I think not.
All we can really do is speculate... However this picture was from that night... And I am glad cause I thought I was hallucinating the bunnies and the Oompa Loompas.

Of course to get the best California experience you have to hit up the beach!

Next stop is to take the Dame to the Salon for a wax however!!

No worries....I made sure to impress upon them all how important sun screen is:

Seem like the driver of the booze bus may have gotten a little TOO into the beach

Despite all my warnings the princess refused to drink any water and the hooker got heat sick:

Last but not least I made sure they went to Disney Land while they were here:

Dutchess had a great time!

All in all everyone enjoyed themselves. I think it was the highlight of the trip!
No one wanted to go home... Not even ToTo.

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Royal Vet is on a Road trip.

I was summoned to the castle by first The Queen and then The Duchess to let me know we were going on a road trip.
I told them of course I couldn't go....Who would take care of the animals?
They said bring them along! Of course I laughed.... Until I realized they were all baked. So I have been Vet-ing on the road. At least the monkeys were happy.

I swear to beelzebub that when PETA hears about this I am going to steal some of The Duchess's "happy smokes" and let them deal with the crap storm.
The gators have their own bus though:

I was so pissed to see we were taking buses. SERIOUSLY!?! More But The Queen planned ahead for me:
 A poolbus and a cute guy.... And knowing her....The pool is filled with gin!

I saw the Princess slappin bumper stickers on the buses and giggling like a drunk idiot so I decided to put up my own sticker! It's my cardinal rule for road trips:
And seriously...who isn't going to listen to that? I'll just sick the gators on them.

I took a look at the map to see where we were headed, There was a huge red circle around this town:
Apparently it's illegal to make fun of certain city's names.... The Queen thought we'd be fine since we had a cop with us...Thankfully we had bail money, Although we are permanently banned from the town. Don't ask why....It's an epic fail.

Donda has been so out of it recently, we all hoped this trip would jolt her out of her funk. Apparently she got too funked last night however, because this is how we found her this morning:

Then, because Donda was out of commision, I had to help keep and eye on the Dutch... Who tried to run off 4 times to marry who she thought was Willie Nelson:

The hooker bit me!! Thankfully I was up on my rabies vaccine, but still...She got all foamy at the mouth and even growled a few times. I was scared!!! But "Willie" got away safe....This time.

When The Queen told The Green Eyed Bratt about the road trip she showed up in her SUV:
We told her we were taking busses and she sighed in relief. She said she didn't know how all her family would fit in her SUV. We all laughed... Not knowing what she was talking about.

Oh right...She's Mexican. It took awhile to explain, and translate, that this was a ROYALS ONLY road trip. Until one of them offered to make us burritos...And sneak us into their country for the good weed....Then of course they all had to come along!!

Oh and just to clear up that nasty tabloid story that aired...
We know it looks bad to have the kids bus parked at a strip club. BUT COME ON!!! Gas was $1.09!!!!

Oh and if you see one of these signs after we have left your town:

That would be the Dame...She has a sick sense of humor!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tales From The Bus


So as you no doubt have gathered I am now riding the bus to school.
Because of this I have a new story every day to share!
Today I brought a notepad with me....Because this will be my new thing....
Stories that will make you burst out laughing, scratch your head or want to smack someone.
I have to share this with you because
1)Stupid people are fun to laugh at.
2) I can't help but hear them all and if I don't share I will bust.
So sit back and enjoy:

This morning I heard a little old Spanish lady talking to another old lady:
"The school keeps getting mad at me! I tell them What you want me to do? They say Teach they kids. I say no. They not my kids. They joost my grambabies who leeve with me. I am not they mama, I refuse to teach them the sex. You know who's job it is to teach them the sex? They teachers. They want me to teach them they sex, then someone betta come teach me. It's been too long and I forget. Plus they do everything different now. Probly that too!"

At a bus stop I got hit on by two old men. (Old - 80's or older)
"You headin up to the Home Town Buffet? Sheet me too. They got some good food there good food. And it's a buffet. So everyone get's what they want. That's some good food too. Real country cookin.
Hey girl. GIRL. BLONDE GIRL....Wanna come to the buffet with us? I take you out and show you a good time with some good food."
In the bus the conversation continued:
"Yup I wanna go back to school. Make some money, plus the disability, plus my social security. I'll be vacationing in the Bahamas before you know it! I always wanted to be a doctor. But not a podiatrist. A general practitioner, cause then I can see the woman and them kids with their clothes off. Plus they make 70 bucks to ask me what hurts! Yup gonna be a doctor."

My last bus of the day was the icing on the cake. This woman was just wanting to be smacked for her ignorance:
"Stupid crack heads. They are what's wrong with everything. Weed is fine though. I don't mind people who do weed. Drinking is the only thing that I do. Ain't nothing wrong with that. And I ain't drinkin when I drive no more. Now that was a bad day. I just barely clipped that kid! If his momma had been holding his hand like she was supposed to he wouldn't have been in my way in the first place. The whole thing is really her fault! Parents need to hold those kids hands when they cross the st. Otherwise it is the parents fault that they get hurt. But the judge felt bad cause the kid couldn't play on the playground with his cast on. What Kindergartner needs to play outside anyways? Stupid dam parents. All these parents not takin care of their kids like they supposed to. When the judge gives me my kids back I am gonna make sure my parents are holding their hands all the time. Sheet. I ain't gonna be a bad parent like them."

Didn't I tell you??? Laugh out loud, scratch your head, and make you want to smack someone.
Stay tuned for more tales from the bus with me!

My craptastic week and apparently I'm a rock star!

Wow what a crazy week this has been!!!
Sunday we found out that Seth no longer had a job.
He has been in the Fire Supression industry for 8 years this month. The last 2 and a half years he has been helping to hold together/ build a company for a man who is in Prison. This man's parents have been handling things for him while he is paying his debt to society. The first two months he worked for them they didn't pay him a dime. Then they paid him 200 bucks a week for over 6 months. The first year he was the only employee. When they did start hiring employees to help him with the workload, they had no experience, were illegal aliens, drug users, and didn't speak the language. Since this summer their other son, who is 2 years younger than Seth, has been working with him as his boss, and learning the business. Seth didn't work 8-5. He would work from 7 to 9 or 10. If he wasn't out at work then he was home on the phone with work. And he would have to be gone for days to weeks at a time for work. No over time. He worked what he was told to and he would get a check every 2 weeks for just over 500 bucks.
Last week, after being gone an entire week for work, She informed Seth that she was cutting him down from salary, and working every day to Hourly, minimum wage and On Call.  Then she only called him one day for a few hours. So his check this week was pretty much nothing.
1 am Saturday morning he got a text telling him to be ready to leave for a week on Sunday. So Sunday morning he called to talk to her and let her know this was no longer working.
She said he could take hourly on call or nothing. He chose nothing.
That sounds bad....But she has done that to other employees and she won't call them for work. But technically she didn't fire him...So she can deny unemployment.
Yup... Apparently this whole time Seth has been training his replacement. He is pretty devastated. As I am sure you can imagine.
So yesterday and today I was at the county offices, the state offers help paying for child care if you are a student. So we enjoyed sitting around for hours with some of the scum of Sacramento. Not to mention I had to get up at 5:30 am both days to get their on time....So I was not very cheery to start with.
But dealing with people who make their living, living off the state makes me insane.
I heard all kinds of shocking things!!
"Give me my food stamps already! I need to get some weed."
Ya... I am not kidding.
This woman was giving me tips on how to get more money from the state. She looked like a fat prostitute with her boobs hiked up to her chin. Just had her hair done, nails done and had on new Candies boots. And a gold ring the size of my thumb on 7 fingers. Ya.
According to her if you have a kid ten months after you get cash aid they have to pay you more. Sounds like a great reason to reproduce!! NOT.
Once done there I left Seth and Caden and took a bus to school for orientation. I didn't get my books today, which super bummed me out cause I wanted to study over the weekend. (Nerd me? No!!)
But I did have an AWESOME experience instead!!!

Instructor was answering questions and finally she says "Come on!!! Ask me something even if you think it's weird!"
So I figured why not...We all want to know right?
"Ma'am...You'll teach me how to properly care for Alligators right?" (Oh and I asked in my giggly smart ass voice too.)
I got a weird stare from her....But then the School Registrar chimed in
"OH!!! I KNOW YOU!!"
Me: Oh crap.
"I read your blog!"
Me: WTF?!? Excuse you???
"I love your royal vet posts! I don't blog but I read CB and found you through her! You are so funny"
Me: You read CB? Woman I am totally viewing you in a whole new light. 

The rest of the class, who are all 18-22 year old wannabe models, and had been looking at me the whole time like the crazy old freak of the class were now really staring at me! I didn't care anymore...I felt like a dam rock star!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Reasons why you should not ride the bus.

My Bloy over at NOT WORTH MENTIONING  made me his Blog of the Day last week. In honor of that I am writing this post in a CopyBoy-esque fashion. It won't be exactly like his because, let's face it, I ramble. But I know he will appreciate the effort!

Recently I have found myself having to use public transportation. For someone who has had their license since she was 15 and is also a germ-a-phobe I have to admit that this experience has been EXTREMELY displeasure-able. Having read an article once on the joys of riding the bus I am completely let down.
So without further ado, Enjoy my reasons for not riding the bus!!

1.) Do not ride the bus if you need to be on time.
Inevitably one of your buses will be late. (One time mine was 22 minutes late!!) And it will make you miss the bus you needed that was on time. Making you more late!

2.) Do not ride the bus if you don't enjoy getting hit on by crazies.
I don't just mean male crazies either. And I don't just mean "Hey wanna go out?" A toothless woman asked me if I wanted to see her O face.

3.) Do not ride the bus if you don't have a rape fantasy.
Bus stops are scary. One of mine I actually have to go around behind it, walk down 3 flights of enclosed stairs, walk along the edge of the freeway, passed homeless people hangouts and then walk back up 3 flights of stairs.
I seriously go into Judo/Cat/Attack mode the whole walk, just waiting to be jumped!

4.) Don't ride the bus if you don't like the smell of urine.
My entire walk/bus stop is the homeless communities bathroom. It's impossible to sit down while waiting for my busses. Honestly I am waiting to actually see someone peeing.

5.) Do not ride the bus if you get Carsick.
Busses come to sudden stops, they swerve everywhere, and let's not forget there are no seatbelts in them!!

6.) Do not ride the bus if you don't like black people.
Ok I realize this sounds racist but I can say it, cause I'm half black. Promise.
Anywho... In Sac the majority of bus riders that I have seen are black people. And black people tend to be loud people. Which is not always pleasant in a confined space.

7.) Do not ride the bus if you are not interested in hearing a complete stranger's personal business.
Yesterday I had to listen to this conversation:
"Gurl you dun hurd bout Shontay right?-No LaQuanda's sista.- Na the short fat sista.- Oh Gurl hur baby daddy whoop them 3 boys o' hers, whoop they lil' asses gud. Then theys aldest one went ta school and told hims teacha. PoPo came and took his ass off to PRI-SIN and took theys kids away!- Oh I know gurl! Ida found that lil sheet and whooped his ass some mo! Gurl yoo know what I'm sayin!"
Ya.....Nuff said.

8.) Don't ride the bus if you don't like cigarettes. 
If you don't like smoke, or are trying to quit, Busses are torture. People smoke at every stop and smell like smoke while sitting next to you. They will ask to bum a smoke, or even a light, or if they can have just a drag when you light up! EW!

9.) Don't ride the bus if you don't like homeless people.
They are everywhere. Especially at bus stops. And they can take their carts full of garbage on the bus with them. Ya.

10.) Don't ride the bus if you don't like dealing with the general public.
That's all a bus is. An enclosed moving object that makes you associate with people you normally jump into your car as quickly as possible to avoid.

Well I can guarantee that CopyBoy would have done a much better job at entertaining you....So why are you still here? Go read him and enjoy the giggle from me! You won't regret it!

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Royal Vet.

It's been a few weeks since I have talked about my most important job as the royal vet!

Since I have been so preoccupied with my family I have just done the bare minimum in taking care of the Gator's. I thought the Queen was just being kind in not yelling at me for it.
But apparently she has been dealing with her own issues and didn't notice me slacking off.

Any who,
Gators can be like children, in that they pick up on the emotions going on around them.
If I had pulled my head out of my butt long enough to notice what dear Queenie was dealing with I would not have been so alarmed by the Gator community this week.

I got to work one day to find this sign:

Apparently this has something to do with the infamous Rhea who has been harassing the Queen.
Rhea I would take this as a personal threat  from the Gator's....They don't just look mean!

However with all of this "SHE IS SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND DRAMA" floating around the castle the Gator's had a break down of their own.

The Queen's Knight thought his mate was cheating on him, when their baby was born and the baby looked nothing like the Knight. We had to fly in an expert to explain to the Knight that it's the female who carries the leucistic gene....Making more white Knights!! I seriously thought we were gonna have to fly in Maury. Of course though...He still made us do a DNA test....Results pending.

We also had a Gator tormenting the local turtle population.

Have you ever tried to treat a turtle for PTSD?!?!

The worst WORST worst thing that could have happened did!
The Duchess was in Vegas and when she came back she fell into what she thought was her bathtub.....
Turned out to be one of the hot spring lagoons. 
She got plastered on wine and xanax, as per usual, but forgot to take the booze and pills with her when she left.
Gator's fave part of Sundays!!
So they decided to help themselves.
In their drunken stupor they convinced one of the younger gator's he was gay and that he needed to have cosmetic surgery to look attractive to other males.....

Ya.....I'm hoping not to be fired when the Queen sees this.

But for some good news...Beyonce was here this week doing a photo shoot!
(With CB gone we had to bring in some extra income!!
I'm always thinking ahead)

The Green Eyed Brat  Has been successful in protecting the Queen this week.
The Gator's have asked her to send a special message to Rhea for them:

Don't go pointing fingers at the Queen Rhea...Or you will lose more than a hand!

The Royal Bartender thought it would be funny to get me plowed on AMF's one night and then leave me in the bathroom once I had passed out...where she had installed this:

I really owe that hooker some pay back.

Donda has been missing in action recently.
She said she had a class reunion to attend to but then these photos started circling:


We will be dredging the moat this week.

That's all for this edition of updates from the Royal Vet!
Stay tuned.

Oh do I have a giggle for Ya'll!!!

Now as you all know I do the occasional PR for companies who are willing to send me a free product to try out for them.
This means that I occasionally get a wack job with a bogus request!
Just like the email I woke up to this morning!

Click on it to make it big enough to read. Go ahead...I'll wait.
~Drinks Tea~
Now as you can see, Caroline Smith OBVIOUSLY thinks I am a retard easily taken in by a few kind words!
For the next few moments I am going to go over this email and point out Caroline Smith's BIGGEST mistakes!

Hi (This is where you should insert my name..Which is all over my blog.)
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed visiting (Oh please! If you know ANYTHING you would have used my blog name. Not my web address.) You've certainly put together a great blog with some really useful articles. (Useful....What  kinda crack do you smoke?) It's taken me at least an hour to drag myself away from the site (By the site you mean MY BLOG??)  and write this email! I particularly enjoyed reading the post "Big Sigh": (Let me get this straight...The post you loved the most...after an HOUR of reading is from a week ago where I talk about being alone all week with a sick kid and my grandfather is dying....You are one twisted chick!)
I am a professional writer and frugal living aficionado. (Professional writer...I'm not seeing it!)  I'm very thrifty by nature and love finding creative ways of how I can save money. I guess it's a belief that was installed upon me at an early age by my grandmother, whose favorite saying was "a penny saved is a penny earned"! (Wow talk about using THE most clich├ęd phrase in the English language.)
I was wondering if you would be interested in publishing one of my articles about money saving tips. (Not even close....Probly not even for cash at this point.) I have had my articles published on many websites relating to money saving and frugal living. Please see the link below for an example of my work: (Ok seriously...DO NOT send anyone to this link...It's an article on re-decorating and there is ONE comment posted....Oh and let's not forget that it takes people back to your "Slip cover website" not money saving...As you claim.)
In return for the free post, all I ask is that there are a couple of links back to one of my sites somewhere within the article. (Whoah Whoah Whoah! Hold the phone! You want me to post one of your articles FOR NOTHING and then I get to have some of your links back to your crappy website too!!! It's Christmas happening early!! Not.)
If you are interested in getting free content for your site, (I'm not...See above.)  just let me know and I will get to work brainstorming some ideas for article topics. (Ya I can see showcasing your ugly slip covers takes some brain cells.)
I look forward to hearing from you.
(Consider this hearing from me.)
Kind regards
Caroline Smith

Ya...I wish I could say this was the first time I have received an email like this. It's not.
This one just rubbed me the wrong way today. The sad thing is some people have actually let her guest post!!
Just Google "Caroline Smith".
Anywho...It's Friday...And this made me feel SO much better!!!
Hope you all have a great weekend!