11. Women are the new men, and Elizabeth Hurley is their patron saint. At or around the age of twenty-five, the gender roles to which we've grown so woozily accustomed throughout puberty and young adulthood suddenly reverse themselves. Women become emotionally detached, while men become needy. Women desire to spend more time alone, while men become needy. Women like to ogle construction workers, order the wine at restaurants when dining à deux, and go on rafting trips with their friends, while men become ... Elizabeth Hurley is the patron saint of this gender reversal, because she remains gorgeous and saucy while looking uncannily like a man in drag.
12. Women hate it when men buy them lingerie. Although the surprise offering of a nifty underwear ensemble is perceived as an unfailing way to spruce up the sex life, there's actually nothing so effective as a lace teddy to cast a burdened pall over the entire sexual enterprise. Because what does a woman see when she opens a box of sleek, frothy naughtiness? She does not see a boyfriend who is an able, considerate provider of thrills and excitement. She sees a direct critique of the cotton Jockeys she so prefers, she sees a castigation of her interpretation of femininity, she sees the subtle implication that she is not giving it up enough. The result is the immediate decline of any and all sexual contact, the use of the damning yet costly garment as a car buffer, and a resolute recommitment to the cotton Jockeys.
13. Women hate it when men allow them to win at things they are profoundly bad at, like Ping-Pong. While letting a woman win may seem an innocently chivalrous impulse, it is, in fact, terribly patronizing. A man may find a paddle whizzing past his sideburns should he ever throw a game on purpose to a woman who sucks at Ping-Pong. Women, if they suck at Ping-Pong, know they suck, are fine with that fact, and do not need their egos catered to. However, should you beat a woman so repeatedly that she starts to blubber, well, maybe toss a game or two her way.
14. Women like a man who can make a mean pie crust. What could be more fetching than a man with butter on his chin and flour on his shoe? More to the point, pie dough is an ornery, unforgiving substance that must be massaged, beseeched, cajoled even, if it is to ever realize itself as a pie. A man who can turn out a good crust is a man who knows the value of patience, hard work, and the tactile joys of the home.
15. All women are secretly lesbians. Although this assertion might at first seem to contradict assertion number 1, it in fact does not. Women are the new men, thus all men are secretly lesbians. But of course.
16. Women find men on a diet dull and emasculated. Women feel for your arduous task of bridling that yawning paunch, they do, but a dieting man is a tiresome man. Women, because they've been hawkeyeing their weight since they were seven, have figured out how to be both hedonistic and fit, and they can't imagine why men haven't managed the same. They feel grossly superior to a grown man who eats salad without dressing, skinless chicken, Egg Beaters. Of course, they also look down on him for bursting out of his work trousers. This is a mean contradiction that women unapologetically embody.
17. Women love to engage in careful analyses of the sex you had with your former girlfriend. This is true. Women can't get enough of your former girlfriend, and visuals are always a plus -- a spreadsheet, for example, or that winsome fourth-grade school snap of your ex you still keep in your wallet. Women want to know about your ex's sexual inclinations, how often you had sex, where you had sex, what kind of sex it was, how you liked it, how she liked it, and in which precise ways the sex you're currently having is better, worse, the same. It is perfectly safe to disclose any and all personal details. Women are very curious, tolerant creatures.
18. Women like to watch football at a sports bar, not at home. Women prefer to watch football with a patty melt and a beer, and with a man who is wearing his pants.
19. Women like to imagine what it would be like to sleep with your father. Not because they want to sleep with your father per se, but because a woman figures if she can imagine herself sleeping with your father, then she can imagine herself sleeping with you when you're sixty.
20. Women prefer to be scared witless when you propose to them. Should you reach this phase of the relationship, cancel that reservation at the fancy restaurant; in fact, while we're on the topic, never propose to a woman in a restaurant. Most women have worked in restaurants and know the sort of commentary that will definitely accompany your romantic moment as the waiters spy on you from behind the coffee machine. (Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't... Aaaargh!) Best to take a woman hiking and get yourselves hopelessly lost. Best to pretend you've broken your leg or that you have systemic septic poisoning. Best to pretend to die. When she tries to give you mouth-to-mouth, slip her the old tongue, on which there should be, if you've planned it right and haven't swallowed it, a ring. Voilà ! She'll be your Hurley forever.
Things Men should know...From famous Woman:
1. Christina Applegate"Call us back right away. That 'three day' business does not apply. We're getting older, and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. Trust me on this one."
2. Courtney Cox"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it."
3. Padma Lakshmi"Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates."
4. Alyssa Milano"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy."
5. Poppy Montgomery"When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always."
6. Tea Leoni"Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you."
7. Mariska Hargitay"We love the fact that it takes you only twelve minutes to get ready for anything, be it a black tie [event] or a basketball game. When it takes longer than that... what are you doing in there?"
"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish."
8. Emily Deschanel"Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' -- or that's exactly what we'll become."
9. Jenna Fischer"If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble."
10. Julie Delpy"We need you to be reachable at all times, but we don't always pick up our phones when you call. We realize this seems like a double standard; if you'd like to discuss it further, just leave a message."
11. Maria Bello"We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we're not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models."
12. Kyra Sedgwick"Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your friends."
13. Leslie Mann
"We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn't an invitation to grind your boners into our asses — we're looking more for rhythm, ingenuity, and
joie de vivre."
14. Connie Britton
"If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can't say it in bed."
15. Kerry Washington
"How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux."
16. Cheryl Hines
"Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from 'Sorry about the smell' to 'I'm going to love you forever, m'lady.'"
15. SuChin Pak
"If you won't hold our hands in public, we won't blow you in private."